hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
