sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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