no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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