I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
