thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
