I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
