i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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