Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
