How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
