WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
