Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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