i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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