it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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