what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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