I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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