I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
