The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
