you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm like, not good at living.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
