What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
