Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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