The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
