I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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