ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
