Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
