Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
