How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
