Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
