He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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