I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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