I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
