my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
