Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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