Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
