Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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