Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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