I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
