I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
