She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
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