I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
