i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
