you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
