I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
