I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Terrible idea I love it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
