what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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