Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
