i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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