spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
