I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I am one with the molecules
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
