Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
