I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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