i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We are two peas in an std pod
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
