If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
