I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
