You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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