I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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