We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
