I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
